ROUND THE TWIST
Round The Twist is a 12 track electronic album I made around two years ago but I just redone it by EQing and mastering it again to make it sound better. The album is around mental health and is the ups and downs I have had whilst dealing with my ongoing battle with mental health. I suffer from psychosis and have done since I was seven and I’m 35 now. I got help in 2016 when I was 32 where I was sectioned twice in the same year once on April Fools and again near Halloween. I remember hearing a lot of voices and thinking that was normal and also going out a lot for plenty of walks with my dog Patch. I know it sounds weird but I kind of miss being as nutty it takes the boredom away now I filled that void with making music instead and anyway less hurting of the feet that way but I did love going for walks and up in the most random places and sometimes lost cos I love to explore anyway but with the psychosis it makes it more fun. Don’t get me wrong though it is a pain and sometimes I get into awkward situations but I’m used to that by now. I decided to make the new version more synthy as the last one done in 2018 was a mixed genre album so I decided to make it uniform but keep all the patterns the same. Some tracks may sound really different to the original versions I made but hopefully you will like them the same I think they sound better now though I liked the first versions just a bit rough that’s all. Having a mental illness doesn’t make you weird it makes people who think you are weird they may think they are better than you but they are not, but okay running down the road saying you are the next Jesus could be seen as weird but I think it builds character lol. The album title and cover is inspired from the TV show Round The Twist, but have you ever felt like this?
Secret Whispers is a middle of the road pace synthy track I made and is about the stigma of having a mental illness and the sly things they do whilst your back is turned. I’ve been in a swarm of haters and I know how sad they really are they love to see you down and do anything to stop you being happy. They always try to team up with people and ain’t strong enough on their own cos they are weak and pathetic. This track is based around being in the centre of the gossip but are unaware of what is going on around you sort of like the track I did In A Daze. I don’t worry about the haters or let that stop me doing what I want to do I say fuck them cos I don’t live for them, just what are they thinking. I’m really not the one to gossip and love people who mind their own business and don’t pay attention to what people are saying and also the ones who are being hated on and pay no attention got to big them up. I do laugh at people who think they know me when they don’t and always coming up with some random stories or laugh at the fake stories that happen it’s like the press they always want something negative to feed into well feed on this you fake weak son of a bitch. They always think they are better than you or because I’m a little different to everyone else they seem to know and see which is probably stereotypes they hate and think they are better or treat me the way they do it’s partly because of my mental illness but I don’t care what they say as I said before I don’t live for them and they are only a reflection of what it was not what it is now which is a lot better. Honestly I could expose the weaklings for who they are but I won’t it’s not the time or place but everyday I want to but anyway.
Inhale is a mellow track I made and is about what I do or what we all do really when in a mood. I was quite angry when I was a kid and never knew how to calm down I always got expelled and suspended from my secondary schools because of my anger and had to go to a boarding school but I didn’t board there. Now I know how to calm down well when I’m not on one with my psychosis I went to a couple anger management courses and also some life experiences really taught me how to walk away from a situation and ignore what was being said but yes I was angry indeed but a lot better now. Now I do a lot of laughing it’s the best way through it before I used to shout a lot and throw things but when I calmed down I always seen the funny or lighter side and apologise if I was in the wrong but if you’re not then you can go screw yourself and I’ve always been like that just not so aggressive. Life has made me angry and the way people treat you I don’t like stuck up people or people who judge or take the piss out of you I always walk away from those sort of friendships unless I knew they were really alright. I guess some bits of my angry comes from being bullied at school as I was fostered when I was younger and some people always felt some type of way about me being fostered or their parents telling them I can’t hang around with them because I was no good. The truth was I was a handful but we all were as a group of bored teenagers who had nothing better to do than to cause trouble but we weren’t thugs not all the groups I was in but some were actually were but I never was.
ALL IN MY HEAD
All In My Head is a upbeat track I made and is around me saying to myself it’s all in my head. I suffer from a lot of paranoia and delusions with the psychosis and get suspect quick which is why I have to say it’s all in my head and not really happening. It’s either that or I confront the person and that makes it worse so I have to remember it’s my brain playing tricks on me obviously people don’t help the situation but I do fight it off and ignore them cos I can’t be bothered with dealing with people like that. We can all get wound up and frustrated by things which is why it’s easier to let things go rather than keep hold of it and let it damage you, you have to be strong though and sometimes it’s hard to do so but most of the time it’s easy and just get on with what I’m doing and pay no attention but over days I get wind up and can’t let it go. What I find frustrating is when I tell someone something and that person is family or a friend and they just think it’s part of the mental illness and don’t acknowledge or care about what you said. I listen to everyone and hear all sides of the story and get my own judgements I never tell the person what I think until I hear the full story and that is from people not listening to what I am saying and taking side with people who are taking the piss out of them but they always find out eventually and feel stupid and depending on how I feel and what was said and done I don’t want to be friends with them no more but that does depend on a few factors. What I’m trying to say if you have a friend who has a mental illness listen to what they say and pay attention cos what they say might be truthful though it is probably hard to listen when we speak a lot of BS but you should still listen to that person and take in what they say you never know it might just save you from a sticky situation.
Street Roamer is a upbeat track I made and is about me roaming the streets in a psychosis state. I used to walk everywhere for miles on end the most I did was 10 miles in the countryside I was just walking and never knew where I was heading or when to turn back. My dog Patch used to love the walks and I used to go out nearly everyday in a new direction and just walk plenty of park and wood walks and also odd places I lived in or hanged around at it was fun to go out and relive those old places. I used to love walking now my legs feel it sooner and I ain’t got the stamina in the feet like I used to but I still enjoy going out for walks but I rarely go out now a days as Patch is no longer here as she passed away in 2019 but it was so fun going out and going on a little adventure. Going out did come at a cost I got attacked twice on a cycle track I got bottled once and nearly stabbed in two spots on the cycle track so you have to be careful but I was lucky I didn’t get into more as I walk through some dodgy areas. What drives me to go out was the voices which told me to go out and look for stuff it wasn’t nothing like going in people’s gardens or bins but built up places like town or old neighbourhoods and being bored and curious I used to go out and walk to those random places, never found anything but I always enjoyed the walk and the chase. The most craziest time when I went out looking for a spy I never knew what I was going to do but I knew I had to find this person and meet up with them that was mad. Since I was diagnosed with psychosis and not having my dog I haven’t really been on a massive walk don’t think I got the legs for it anyway but I do miss the walks but I don’t miss walking to a unknown place miles out with my feet hurting knowing I have to walk back again that’s a killer and on the way home it took me twice as long as I stopped off quite often to rest my aching feet.
Disillusions is a mellow track I made and is about breaking free of the delusions that once lived in my head. I won’t say the scale of what my delusions were but I will say people made it worse and made it much more real. I wasn’t even what I would call gullible but saw things that backed up my suspicions but now I know they are just trolls and pay no attention to them cos they are really sad and I don’t know how many times I have to say that. The breaking free of the delusions is a good feeling especially when people tell you otherwise and you believe what they say or at least listened cos I didn’t really listen or pay attention to what they said and basically laugh at them but there was times when I did listen and believed what they said. The one time I listen now they think I still believe them and listen to what they say now they are the delusional one thinking they got me but they really ain’t yeah well just because you say all this bullshit doesn’t mean I have to accept it and I may be listening but I’m not accepting. I guess it’s a bit of my fault feeding into my insecurities but I was young and dumb so I can’t really blame myself for those faults but I do kick myself cos what it snowballed into. My delusions weren’t stuff like thinking I was Jesus or a demon was inside my head it was more paranoid delusions that everyone was talking about me and I can’t even watch the TV or listen to radio without thinking they are talking about me or to me or both which is why I make music quite a lot it fills that void in watching tv. It started from a early age and it never went away I thought it would but it got worse as the time went on and my life got more dramatic as the years flowed by. There were some unexpected things that made the delusions worse which I won’t get into but I talked about it on my last website which I not so long deleted the post as I thought it was too personal but if you read it you might remember the scale of delusions I had and how scary it got for me thankfully it’s a lot better now but it was pretty bad for me. I guess it was other people’s delusions as well as mine that made it worse for me I kind of got sucked in to other people’s thoughts and feelings and be paranoid about that like the Illuminati I was really paranoid about that and thought they could control your mind technically they can but not in the way I thought I thought there were special gadgets and all sorts.
WANNA BE A VICIOUS SNAKEY?
Wanna be A Vicious Snakey? Is a dark synthy track I made and is about the need of people to be a vicious backstabber. It’s all for clout and to make them feel superior and I’m tired of it. Again I’ve seen a lot of people doing stuff for clout and to make them feel better it’s also hate that has a big part of it but I never put up with it. The people who try to be vicious snakes are usually the weakest ones and hunt in packs and never on their own which always makes me laugh as they want to be seen as big and tough but end up looking weak and small. I don’t know what it is but I always manage to find the haters and friends turn into backstabbers and change sides though I always say it’s not about which side you are on it’s how and what you do whilst on their side and anyway it’s best to stay in the middle and spectate that way you don’t get into hot water but we’ve all been there and took a side and turned against someone cos of friendship with another person but take it from me it just ain’t worth it cos they will end up stabbing you in the back and not the one you turned against. It does make me angry the way they move which is why I made this track dark and moody to go with the theme of a wannabe vicious snake. I called it Wannabe A Vicious Snakey as I see a lot of desperate wannabes with insecure issues venting out on other people I’m talking little kids who just haven’t grown up yet who try to bully you but you give back twice as much and they get sour cos they are a whole box of lemons honestly it makes you laugh they can go and suck a lemon as far as I care cos I don’t live or care for them or what they say or do they are just behind pathetic anyway enough said. I will use the words so you think you’re Brad Pitt well that don’t impress me much and when I say impress I mean scare or bother me so please sit in the corner and do what you always do cry and ask yourself why you are this pathetic. Usually I don’t address the haters but it was all over this album so I thought I talk about them and to let unware people that you are not alone and not to pay no attention cos they live for your fear and outburst but hi haters how we doing.
Lonely times is a mellow track I made and is around being alone. I used to hate being alone now with all the things I do I quite enjoy it and being away from the drama and stress. I was always moving around and that caused me to have to make new friends all the time which was a good thing for the social front but then when I was around 16 and I moved from foster care into a B&B I lost contact with nearly all my friends and felt alone and isolated. I did used to take the half hour bus journey to where I used to live in a place called Hanham cos it was at least a two hour walk to where I moved to in a place called Yate and was down a long road that stretched for miles. I did catch up with a old friend there who also moved to Yate and lived in Hanham but that was more at the end of my stay there but at the beginning I felt really alone and isolated not to mention it was in the outskirts of Bristol so there wasn’t much out there pretty boring really. Now a days I don’t really get lonely and enjoy my own company I do sometimes though I think about the good times I had and how fun it was now it’s boring but I do make life fun cos that’s what it’s about making your life as fun as possible so when you get up each morning you don’t get depressed and in the what’s the point mood which is hard to get out of. I suppose being lonely is a good thing you get time to reflect and work on yourself and do all the things you want to do without someone nagging you telling you, you can’t do xyz. This is why I have no kids or girlfriend I don’t want to be tied down in a relationship and I see everyone else and how it turned out for them and I think no thanks I think I’ll give that a miss. I don’t see myself in a relationship any time soon and if I don’t hurry up and get out there I’ll be a lonely old man in no time guess I got the old people’s home to enjoy joke. People ask me how I am coping with COVID and the isolation and I laugh and say not much has changed for me as I’m used to be isolating by myself which I do admit is not healthy but I do like being alone. This isolation thing is like how it’s been for a couple of years now in my life so I don’t see the difference but I know people are going crazy I feel bad for the social people or people who have hobbies and go out a lot cos to them it must be hell on earth and like a prison sentence.
Psychotic is a mellow but upbeat track I made around Psychosis. Psychosis is a condition that affects the way your brain processes information. It causes you to lose touch with reality. You might see, hear, or believe things that aren’t real. It is a symptom, not an illness. A mental or physical illness, substance abuse, or extreme stress or trauma can cause it. I’m not sure what triggered mine a lot of childhood stress probably in fact most definitely and happened at a early age when I was around seven that’s when I started hearing voices. It’s kind of weird as from the age of seven way until I was 30 odd I kept it a secret and never told anyone about what was going on in my head and when I did no one listened to me or took me serious. I blame the psychosis for most of my behaviour but some of it was just to living life but the voices used to tell me to do things and I carried them out lucky it wasn’t anything crazy like murder cos I wouldn’t be talking here in the comfort of my own home. They were always good to me well half the time that will be further explained in another track in this post but sometimes it felt like guardian angels were looking after me and I actually thought they were looking after me. Now I think about that was my conscience talking to me that’s what it felt like all those times when it looked after me and kept me from doing stupid stuff. Like if I had a shouting match out in the street my voices would yell NOOOO or have a go at me for being so stupid and going off on one. There were times like now where they would say I should watch out for someone and make my life hell but I try to ignore those thoughts and think it’s just the voices trying to take over but sometimes its so hard to do so especially when I’m stressed or in a state. There is a misconception of psychosis and being psychotic which is they think if you have psychosis you are psychotic but there is actually a difference. A psychotic disorder is severe mental disorders that cause abnormal thinking and perceptions. People with psychoses lose touch with reality, two of the main symptoms are delusions and hallucinations. I’ve had both psychotic disorder and psychosis but I’m treated for that now but it’s alright I don’t bite unless you bite me first lol.
Mind Reader is a upbeat track I made and is about when I used to think people could read my mind. It wasn’t as much as people it was more in my head and I thought the voices I heard were mind readers and controlled my mind. It was them who used to look after me and tell me to go to this place it started when I was around seven they use to talk in my head and comfort me when in need but I really thought it was people with a special machine that could transmit voices inside your head and thought that until I was way over 30. This is why I didn’t tell no one about it as I thought it was normal and I was lucky enough to have these guardians around to protect and look after me when really it was delusions and something I shouldn’t have been listening to but I’m glad in a way. I’ll tell you why I was glad in a way it really helped me see my real friends and helped me through so much don’t think I’ll be able to take it without the illness but I still wouldn’t wish that on anyone but that’s to say it wasn’t really my consciousness speaking to me which I think what was really happening in my head. The worst thing to happen is when you are thinking something or the “mind readers” tell you something and it comes true more on that later but yeah it’s the worst thing to have to deal with as I always go round thinking it’s my mind playing tricks on me at my strongest but at my weakest I would be more acceptive to the crap. It’s kind of weird as I never really believed in aliens or anything but I did believe in having mind reading machines I thought a lot of crazy things including thinking a hypnotist put a spell on the crowd after going to see one at the Hippodrome in Bristol this is what it was telling me anyway and me being in a weak mind then I believed it not that it was true or came true but I really did think that hypnotist was going to take over Bristol and have us as slaves sounds crazy but I believed it at the time now I can laugh at it but it was scary at the time as I thought I was the only person to know this information and I was appointed to save Bristol and possibly the U.K. Thankfully I don’t get those funny thoughts now but the voices were quite frequent on going in fact and they would never shut up I thought I’d never get rid of them but thankfully there is medication for that which I thought they never even had yet but if I knew there was something to get rid of those annoying voices I would of took the drug ages ago, still hate being injected every three months but it’s better than the voices for sure.
Teaser is a upbeat track I made and is around being bullied because of your mental health condition. There’s nothing worse than being subjected because of your illness and is not cool what so ever. The worst time for me was back in 2011 when I went to college and people really were nasty there and treated me like dirt. The teachers didn’t do that much and laughed which didn’t help the situation nor did they help when they were taking the piss and bullying me in the classroom. This was all over my mental health and they thought it was funny to take the piss and laugh with their friends and mock me but I gave back so I wouldn’t say I was a victim or I didn’t defend myself. I do hate a bully and met some in my time like most people and I will say they ain’t shit cos of their insecurities. As I said before they are always hating on someone and are never happy with themselves and what’s worse and something I should of said in Wannabe A Vicious Snakey? they are always nice to your face and pretend like they are your friends when in secret they are jealous of you and want to bring you down. There’s a couple of people like that in my circle that I keep a eye on but there are times when I get it wrong and accuse the wrong person but I am human and I am allowed to make mistakes. I never like to bully people and rather become friends cos that’s better than subjecting someone but if I do I rather do it to a bully someone who needs their own taste of medicine and it’s not even bullying it’s more like a overload of put down read that bitch like a book something I do well I’m told. You see you can’t really bully someone who knows who they are and no I’m not full of myself but that’s the truth you got to be secure with yourself so no one can tell you nothing but there are always people that get in your head like family who put you down and that is frustrating and a shame as we are meant to be family and in my eyes family don’t do that especially the ones say are close to you and that goes for friends too. I’ve been popular and unpopular at school kind of like the film Clueless where the new girl gets bullied at first but then becomes popular and start to hang around with the “cool kids.” That was me and before that I was getting bullied which I’ve been bullied quite a lot before I became popular but they used to take the piss cos I was emotional and easy to get angry but my head was a mess back then. People will treat you different because of your mental illness and that pisses me off but I know as I keep saying that they are shallow and have no understanding on what it is like living with a mental illness and think it’s either all fun and games or you are incapable of doing things like looking after a child/pet or even yourself but thankfully with all the cases and the educational stuff out there most people are switched on at least I hope anyway.
NIGHTMARES IN REALITY
Nightmare In Reality is a upbeat track I made and is around when nightmares come true. I won’t go into detail on my events of when this happened it’s too personal but I remember thinking I would wake up from the nightmare any time soon but nope it was cold reality smacking me in the face. I do love when dreams come to life and you get that weird feeling that is cool but I hate when my nightmares come to life and haunt me and that is because of my psychosis. It doesn’t help me differencing between reality and fiction and I have got into a real state sometimes but after a while it wears off. I still like getting nightmares though as I enjoy waking up and knowing it was a dream but I’ve had some weird nightmares. I have recurring nightmares about nuclear attacks and being in 9/11 like terrorist attacks where it’s in a high building. I visited the World Trade Centre around 1994 and all the way up there made me cautious and I couldn’t wait to get back down on the flat ground where it was safe this is why I have those nightmares not sure about the nuclear attacks ones guess it’s anxiety. When I was a kid around five onwards I kept getting a recurring dream that a witch kidnapped me and flew away with me in a bag on a broomstick cackling away. It looked something out of Captain Hook with the big windows with the curtains flapping away this was a adapting dream so things changed in every dream but always had a recurring theme of me being kidnapped or about to get kidnapped it made me wet the bed for sure. The other recurring nightmare I keep getting is with my dog Patch when she started getting ill. I’ve had a few now and that is usually her being injured like ran over or drowning once and the other time she died and another time I lost her and she came back looking unrecognizable all horrible and mangy but I was glad to see her of course. I haven’t had a dream like that for a while now the last one I had was a couple of months after she passed away and she died in that dream too and I was heartbroken in my dream but yes I always got some cool dreams I just hate when they become real.
It’s Okay is a mellow track I made and is a positive end to the album. I wanted to leave on a more positive note for the last track so I thought I’d title it It’s Okay. It really doesn’t matter what you are or what you have in every way possible but especially in mental health as we all have our faults it’s just knowing how to live with them and with yourself. People may make you angry or feel like you want to give up but remember not everyone is like that no matter how much they try and tell you that it’s the case listen but filter out the bullshit if possible but I know that’s easer said then done. Also there is no shame of having a mental illness not everyone is going to be dare I say “normal” and anyway like I said before it builds character and you gain strength and much stronger with all the downhills you may of had so those people are much stronger in the mind than the people who judge you and haven’t been in your shoes so don’t worry about it. People may laugh at you but honestly they are only laughing at themselves if that makes sense because of their own insecurities and lack of understanding it’s best to laugh back at them because they are the stupid ones and that is putting it nicely. Of course they fear the unknown and laugh at what they don’t understand part recipe of ignorance. What is not cool is the treatment you get from some people and that sometimes pisses me off but not all the time I know they are looking for a reaction so I do try my best not to give it to them but it is aggravating especially when it’s someone like police etc and they have a job to do but like to do other people’s job for them but they are really sly but that is some police for they always try to wind you up. As you can tell I like to remain positive even sometimes when in my life it can be negative but as I’ve said before I make music and other things to make the days better and I’m always doing something new to keep me entertained. It’s a good way to see what you like and don’t like and what you are good and not good at and see what really interests you. I have a lot of different interests that I picked up along the way and I get bored easy or if it’s not hands on or too hands on I get bored quick and look for something a bit more broader. That is partly my mental health too but I’ve always liked finding out or doing something new so it’s a bit of both I think.